It will be very inconvenient if Este takes an interest in her former student. If it is the charm, I will have to steal it. Of course, if Este's pity has already turned to her, then it might not matter. I was already disappointed in Curufin because the zombies making zombies problem could have been prevented if he'd spent more time studying than screwing. Aren't I supposed to be trying to make an Arda Less-Marred? To defeat the Dark Lord? For what? To take up his mantle? So he can wait in the Void while I do the work as always? My options are very bleak. Valar, thank you for abandoning those of us beyond Valinor. You suck.

To gain domination over Arda, Melkor let most of his being pass into the physical constituents of the earth. He became permanently 'incarnate,' and for this reason he seeks to avoid any kind of injury to his true form. With the destruction of his assumed bodily form, he would dwindle in force. His diminished spirit would be forced into the Void and be trapped there until the End of the World.

And then he will be defeated permanently by... this part changes. My Eonwe, I do not doubt would have a part in this. He will be fighting on my behalf as much as Manwe's, taking revenge for the injustice dealt to me by the Dark Lord. But Turin? Perhaps Maedhros and Menelvagor. Well, I don't decide these things, but I'm fairly certain Maedhros will be the one to crack open the Silmarils.

So how to kill Melkor's physical form? I thought to chain him. I thought to stab him. I thought to set fire to his sarcophagus. All these ways seem so uncertain. He might wake and stop me, or his presence might overwhelm mine. Enslaved again, I will beg for his forgiveness and betray my friends and the love of my life. But I've figured out a way to kill Melkor. I will become a great flame that consumes Melkor. Master and Slave will die together.

My losses: my friend. my love, myself. I will either chain him, slay him, or die. And I have to do this before they kill me

If Maedros and his brothers' plan is to distract me with their insane in-fighting, then I must confess it's working! How many outrageously stupid things can they do in his absence? Quite a lot when they put their minds to it. I need to concentrate on Maedros not on coddling his younger brother.

Maybe they will forgive you. You always were their favorite, Eglor would say if he were here. You even have Eonwe's heart. But of course I have to. If I don't, he will not plead my case to Manwe should the need arise.

Osse doesn't understand but Melkor wants me because I am a prize, a trophy, not because I am his servant and useful to him. I'm like the beautiful women around the palace who are decorations meant to show off his greatness, not sex slaves as rumors might have it. I am a jewel like the three Silmarils that the Valar covet. He who prefers the Dark desires them because they are unique.

I am the most the beautiful of the Beautiful Ones. I do not possess a woman's softness or a man's strength; I am the balance of both, an androgynous form the others did not think to take. My understanding of the Music is greater than most, and while those like Salmar and Omar can only feel the Music, I can analyze it with rational mind.

Melkor has always hated the Sea for he could not subdue it. He is angry and would do battle with Osse, whom he sought before to draw to his allegiance. He would tear the seafloor apart without mercy, and Osse would stop the fire with water so that the two made earth. Evil that is good to have been. They will destroy but also create, and animals and Elves might come to dwell on those small islands.

I have determined that Maedhros is not on the Isle of Balar. There's no reason for me to stay any longer in the Sea. It's time I returned to Beleriand and to my Master. And this time, Osse will bow to him as well.

I had assumed Maedhros had gone to slay Morgoth or myself. It is his task as the eldest son of Feanor. And then I came to realize he's not hiding from me to fulfill his quest; he's hiding from me so he can enjoy his vacation in peace. After all, he's not with one but two partners and has always been one for privacy. Mablung and Menel are of similar status and match well enough. If I can isolate Maedhros, then he will be mine. All mine.

But does that mean I should be so foolhardy as to follow him to the Isle of Balar? After all, he chose it as his vacation spot for a reason.

Maglor used to share my bed and then my head after he was dead. He never voices it and never thinks it when we're joined. Regardless, I know. He must know I know but desires to leave regardless. Against his wishes, I hope Maglor is successfully brought back to life. If he dies, I know I will go mad. If he dies, Curufin will be the first person I kill.

Or what? You'll die?

I had forgotten how Mablung's body feels. Ironic that I should be comforting Nar in his form when I took Mablung in the same way. Mablung also got in a good kill or two, but he was never able to escape the maze, and I always came back to life. Sometimes I'd let him kill me just to frustrate him. Or release him just when he became too sexually frustrated to try to escape. I'm appalled just thinking about what I did--but also aroused. It's not easy to become a good guy overnight, especially since Morgoth personally took part in my corruption.

If Nar gets better by tomorrow, I think I'll watch Mablung's punishment at dusk. He doesn't deserve it, of course, but he willingly accepts it. All the more reason to observe the injustice that still pervades these lands. A strange pet with a high tolerance for pain, and now that pet has returned to its master.

I keep searching for him with the Eye to no avail. It might not even be the One Ring. I know he avoided me before. Why is love so painful? I can't see, hear, or visit him. All I can do is think about how much I miss him and how much he must hate me by now for hurting his younger brothers.

( more )

Maedhros, you would scoff at my pronouncement: I miss you. I can't see you anymore. Will it be another 500 years before I can watch him again? And the joke about my rear view--not funny; in fact, most juvenile and immature.

It's what I wanted, isn't it? I showed them how weak they are. If they are honest to themselves, they will realize all that they gained was by my grace. I gave them their freedom. I enabled them to take the Silmarils. And now, they will have nightmares and memories to prepare for future attacks of the mind. What I gift I can also reclaim.

They fear the Darkness and I the Light of the Silmarils and the Music of Arda Healed. ( more )

"I'm not happy." Really? Neither am I. Deal with it.

"Maitimo will not like this." Well, duh. I don't like this either. Maglor scoffs at my love for him, going on endlessly about how I do not know what love is, then turns around and tries to use it against me. I grow tired of this. I don't care. Did you miss that? I'm evil, and I want him to suffer. I want you to suffer. I want you to know that all of this is your fault, caused by your arrogance and your belief that you could waltz into Angband and have your way, that you could endure torture that not even Maedhros could. I'll skin your little brother alive and see what you have to say then. "Maitimo will not like that either." Yeah. You're right. He won't. But I think my desire to make you suffer is stronger than such a weakness. That's what it is: I refuse to let one such as him bastardize our relationship and use it against me in such a fashion.

But I really am sorry for hurting the twins. I never intended to. But you had to place the idea of escape in their minds. You couldn't just convince them to stay and bide their time, even if it meant staying a year or two, so they acted rashly. Do you expect me to resurrect him now? I really resent the idea of doing what's expected of me, especially when it's a matter of playing up to my good side after damning me to hell.

( OMG )

There is no way in high hell I'm going to lose this body. It is the only one that has had consensual sex with Maedhros.

They plan without me. I understand the reason. Most of the sons of Feanor still don't entirely trust me. Even Maedhros isn't sure if he trusts me. But it would be preferable if we could coordinate our efforts. I'm not trying to lead the seven of you into a trap, nor do I desire your Silmarils. Originally, I was going to let the sons of Feanor quest for the one Beren won. I was going to steal the other two for Maedhros on Morgoth's wedding night, trusting that he would be lost in the throes of sex. Then I decided that maybe I would bring Curufin with me so he could steal the crown since he could touch the Silmarils contrary to the common misconception that they can't. But after seeing Curufin so mesmerized to the exclusion of all else, I realized he would be of no help, only a hindrance. "Have you ever seen anything so beautiful?" "The guards are coming!" "Let them come. I'll never leave them again." Burnt hands it is. So much for smelling like mist.

Does it make you happy, Maedhros, that I confessed my past misdeeds? Did you hope it would change Maglor or did you just want to hear it and feel superior? But Maglor is right when he says that we know each other far better than he ever knew Sauron. Do you despair, Kinslayer, because you have not seen Arda Healed and cannot believe in it? Are you trying to drive me to madness? Is it not enough that his brother Maglor desires death?

Music is what was missing in Gondolin. The mountains should have echoed with song but did not because its need for secrecy silenced its music. In Angband, there is only the dint of the mines and the grunts of the thralls. And when you were there? It is as Measse said. The torture rooms are quiet now that the new Queen has come into power. Ah, but you were tortured worse than Mablung; did you scream louder as well? Did your faith in love bleed out of your heart with every rape, every thrust?

Yes, there are horrible things I wanted to do to Maglor. Things I could not imagine but wanted to learn. That became song as we fought. Then we awoke from our duet, and we became partners. Every touch, every word was a reminder of Arda Marred. A tenderer version of the sex we would have had in Angband had I succeeded. I know what his younger brother thinks. He's immature in that way. There's no point in trying to convince him otherwise. But even that, the physical yearning and the bittersweet sorrow in knowing that there is a romantic other whom he treasured and will always treasure before me. Now, it's just music, sorrowful songs of unrequited love, or rather, love that is returned but not wholly.

Is that your goal, Maedhros? You and your Maia cannot be together and so you will stop Maglor and his half-Maia?

He mocks me. I hear it, fear it, and believe it. Melkor is a Vala, worthy of love and praise, and soon to be wed to his chosen one. And I am a mere Maia who can never be forgiven or loved because of the atrocities I committed.

Now that Russandol has one of the Jewels, will he ever notice me? The Silmaril outshines me, but then he did always say my light was an illusion. I miss him.

And with Makar and Measse gone, will I be forced to command Morgoth's armies against Maedhros? I would rather remain a mere wedding planner.